My mother always told me, “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.”

That old adage may not be consistent with the modern ethos of “speaking truth to power” or even simply the modern addiction to getting clicks on the internet.

But I still think Mother was onto something.

When our mothers told us to say nice things, they weren’t necessarily teaching us to be compliant and conformist. Intentionally or unintentionally (how wise was Mom?), they were also teaching us to be grateful.

The Greatness of Gratitude

Psychologists are beginning to develop empirical support for what philosophers have been saying since the classical era: Gratitude is good for you.

For example, in one study, one group was told to write one thing they were grateful for every day for ten weeks. Another group was told to write about something that irritated or displeased them. A third (control) group was told to write about anything that affected them, regardless of emotion.

At the end of the study, the group that wrote about what they were grateful for felt happier and more optimistic. They also exercised more and went to the doctor less.

What Is Gratitude, Exactly?

Okay, that sounds good - but what exactly do you mean by ‘gratitude’? Is it going around saying ‘thank you’ a lot?

Not exactly. Gratitude has two components, according to researchers:

First, it is the acknowledgment of goodness in our lives.

Second, it is the recognition that good things come from beyond ourselves. (You can be proud of yourself, but by definition you can’t be grateful to yourself.)

The Practice of Gratitude

Gratitude can be either a state (I feel grateful) or a trait (I am grateful). Perhaps most importantly, it can be a practice.

You can practice cultivating gratitude in a number of ways: Write down three good things in your life and what factors or beings outside yourself caused them to come to you. Or write a thank-you note to someone and deliver it to them. Even if you can’t thank someone (like maybe someone who has passed away), just thinking about thanking them can increase your sense of gratitude.

Why Choose Gratitude?

In tough times, many of us have the instinct to do exactly what the non-gratitude group did in that study: focus on the things that irritate or anger us.

We often think that this focus on the negative, the infuriating, the irritating, is necessary to improve our lives. We have to focus on these offenses to make the situation (or the person) change.

But most empirical research suggests we have it exactly backward. Our experience improves by focusing on what is good in our life, not on what is bad.

When we focus on what is good (and there is always something good), we tend to get healthier. More energetic. We smile more, sleep better, get up earlier, exercise more, socialize more. And all of those good feelings tend to beget more good feelings.

Often, you wake up one day to realize the upsetting situation no longer upsets you that much. You simply start forgetting to get worked up about it because you’re focused on all the positive things in your life.

When I’ve focused on gratitude during rough times, I’ve also found that seemingly intractable problems sometimes just suddenly resolve themselves. It makes my jaw drop every time.

the strength of yielding

Is it ‘giving in’ to focus on gratitude? If we don’t stay pissed off, aren’t we letting the ‘bad guys’ get off too easily?

Maybe we have that backwards too. Maybe the nature of real strength is best described in the Tao:

Nothing in the world is softer and weaker than water.

Yet, to attack the hard and strong,

Nothing surpasses it.

Nothing can take its place.

The weak overcomes the strong.

The soft overcomes the hard.

Everybody in the world knows this,

Still nobody makes use of it.